this is for you
by VioTanequil
Summary: "It's not Anna I'm worried about. What if we let them get close again and the feelings are too much for Elsa. Joy brings her powers out as strongly as fear." To hear Papa say 'joy' the way he said 'fear', to know that he saw Elsa's joy as he saw her fear as two of the same, to think that he thought that Elsa couldn't deal with joy. Anna pales at the thought. Post FII


"_Darling, I've been thinking, it might be time to tell Anna about Elsa. I can't bear keeping her shut out anymore. She's maturing now. She can be responsible."_

"_It's not Anna I'm worried about. What if we let them get close again and the feelings are too much for Elsa. Joy brings her powers out as strongly as fear."_

"_But if anyone can find a way to help her, it's Anna."_

"_You may be right about that. There's not much that girl can't do."_

"_Her love could hold up the world."_

"_Lucky for the world. Alright, we'll tell her when we return."_

"_They believed in you, Anna, and so do I."_

(A Place of Our Own - Frozen II Deleted Scene)

* * *

_Joy brings her powers out as strongly as fear._

_Joy._

Anna sits up with a start, winces as her muscles scream in protest. Ow. Ok, so maybe running onto the dam had been a terrible idea because she is aching all over and oof her waist twinge and yowch that's probably a blister on her foot.

She sighs.

Three years of having to struggle on the bad days with the fact that they had told Kai and Gerda but also had her, their daughter and Elsa's baby sister, basically shut off in the castle the whole time anyway from anyone she could talk to but hadn't told her why.

It's not like the ducklings could have told anyone even if she'd tattled to them. Quack the crown princess has ice quack powers quack? Not happening. So it hadn't made sense and Anna didn't like it when things didn't make sense but at the same time, her parents were no longer really in a place to answer that question.

Or any question, really, but that question in particular.

She'd always wanted to know why - she's learnt by now that assuming the worst and hiding away gets you nowhere because case in point, Elsa, but there had always been the tiniest niggling doubt that maybe they thought she was too immature, that they thought they couldn't trust her, that she'd endanger Elsa.

She would never.

If there's one thing she'd never do, it's do anything to deliberately put Elsa in danger. Heck, she'd do tons of things to keep Elsa out of danger if she could. If she thought it would work. To be honest, at this point she'd very much like to lock Elsa away forever in a nice comfy room so she can't go off running into fire and diving into ice and getting herself frickin killed, which, she knows, sounds very close to putting her sister in an ice boat and scooting her in the opposite direction from the danger but it's different. There's a nuance there. Somewhere.

But she would never have put Elsa in danger - their parents should have known that Anna would probably have died before seeing harm come to Elsa and they should have trusted her.

But they hadn't.

And she hadn't known why until the memory that Elsa had shared with her.

Of her parents saying that the problem lay with Elsa's powers.

Anna knows Elsa probably didn't even blink at anything their parents had said. Heck, she doesn't want to guess because she has the gut feeling that Elsa thought those exact same things were true.

A little voice whispers in the back of her mind, _and she probably thought those things were true because he thought they were true._

Anna growls and is glad that the tent she is in is empty but for her because that would be a difficult sound to explain.

She thought she was done being mad at their parents for what they did to Elsa, she really thought that they were misguided and afraid for Elsa and maybe they were, but joy?

Joy?

To hear Papa say 'joy' the way he said 'fear', to know that he saw Elsa's joy as he saw her fear as two of the same, to think that he thought that Elsa couldn't deal with joy.

She pales at the thought.

Did he-

Because Anna's childhood, for as lonely as it was without Elsa, did still have its warmth and its joys and she has many fond memories of both her parents doing silly happy things with her and…

And Elsa probably doesn't.

Elsa, well, Elsa doesn't talk much about her time in the room. Anna only knows about Sir Jorgen Bjorgen and the lessons and how Elsa saw all the things she did through the window and Elsa really doesn't say much else.

They say it takes two hands to clap but it really just takes one to stay still for the other to bang itself against and maybe, just maybe, Papa didn't want Elsa to be happy?

Papa didn't want Elsa to be happy.

The thought disgusts her because Papa had always been the strong figure with the decisiveness and the decisions and the firm but gentle hand and the biggest warmest snuggliest hugs and her memories of Papa are all good except for the ones where he tells her Elsa is busy or Elsa is studying or Elsa is not to be disturbed and Anna is feeling right now, in this tent, like she might just want to throw up.

Papa thought joy was too much for Elsa. Papa thought the joy of being with Anna would be too much. Could be too much.

He wasn't even going to let them try...

A chill runs down Anna's spine.

She knows this isn't right and it isn't her fault but she's the one who jumped too fast in the first damn place and she's the one who Papa thought would make Elsa lose control and so maybe, just maybe, Elsa would have been better off without her?

No.

She shakes her head to shake the thought out of her mind. No, no. That's not true. That's not-

She sighs.

Now she's not going to go back to sleep so she might as well get out of bed and go sulk somewhere prettier.

* * *

Footsteps crunch on the fallen leaves. "You're up," Elsa says.

Anna doesn't even need to turn to know that it's her. She's listened to Elsa's voice all her life.

"Did they ever tell you why they kept us apart?"

She hears herself say as she picks up another fallen leaf and tears at it.

Elsa sits down next to her.

"No," she says quietly.

Anna crunches the leaf into pieces.

"But they didn't have to," Elsa says.

Anna frowns.

"Anna," Elsa says, "I'm sorry. I didn't realize that you thought it was your fault."

"No, I-"

"Shh," Elsa shushes her with a gentle finger to her lips, "Let me apologize for this. It never once occurred to me so I didn't realize that you thought that way and I took too long to bring it up. I really am sorry. It isn't your fault. None of this is your fault. You are the single best thing that has ever happened to me and I would never trade you for anything. I would move the world if you asked."

"But you wouldn't let me in. Because Papa wouldn't let you."

"Papa? No, it was me," Elsa's brows knit.

"No! You've apologized for way too much," Anna growls, "and this isn't on you, it's entirely on Papa who didn't think you deserved joy and stopping me from knowing."

Elsa's eyes widen.

"Papa loved me," she breathes, "I know it was difficult for him but I know he loved me."

"Well he sure had a real funny way of showing it," Anna snaps, "because equating your joy with your fear sure shows how much he values both - not at all!"

Elsa frowns, "Anna, what are you talking about?"

"He said that joy brought your powers out as strongly as fear."

"And he was right," Elsa says, "he was right. The first time I best him properly in chess, the entire roaring fireplace froze right over. I was barely thirteen."

"So?"

"So he was right, Anna."

"No, I mean, so what if the fireplace froze over? You were happy, weren't you?"

Elsa swallows, "Yes."

"You were happy."

Elsa nods.

"And then he took that away from you, didn't he."

"Well, we-" Elsa sighs, "yes, we didn't play again after for years. But it made sense then. Anna, you need to know that they didn't know then what we know now. We tried everything to control it and nothing worked. If anything had worked, God knows if anything had worked I'd have been by your side in a heartbeat."

"I know," Anna grits her teeth because maybe she won't cry if her jaw is clenched, "but that's because they never tried-"

She can't say it. She can't. But she has to. She has to say it before it bursts from her chest in an angry torrent.

She looks up and the love and acceptance in Elsa's eyes threatens to blow her away but she is going to be strong and she is going to say it.

"You didn't try everything," Anna says.

Elsa looks rightfully confused.

"You didn't try telling me."

"Oh Anna," Elsa says, "I-"

Anna cuts her off.

"For five years when you were a little child and I was the dumbest infant in all the lands, nothing bad happened. You scooped me out of trees and saved me from falling to my death off of shelves. You made me toys and brought the joy of magic and love into my life. I'm there the whole time and you never lost control. Then one day, you slip and you fall and an accident happens and then they hide me away and suddenly you can't even make a small snowman without freezing half the room - like isn't that obvious?"

"Obvious?"

Anna stares back at her in disbelief. "I'm there. Nothing bad happens for a really long time even though we're babies with the worst possible judgment of what's safe and what's unsafe. I'm not there. You can't even control your magic when you're looking at the mirror."

She connects two points in the air with her hands.

Elsa looks momentarily stricken then her gaze lowers to the grass,"I would have never risked it. I'd already hurt you once and that's more times than I'd ever intended to hurt you. I wasn't going to go near you again until I had control. I guess I just- I didn't know that you were what gave me control. I'm sorry."

"And you are forgiven because you were eight and a dumbass and you didn't make the choice so it wasn't your fault," Anna says, "but Papa wasn't eight and it was totally his fault."

"No," Elsa says.

Anna's head whirls up, "What?"

"I- When I was fourteen," Elsa leans gently against her shoulder, "Mama asked me if I wanted you to know."

Anna holds her breath.

"I said no," Anna feels Elsa's fingers running gently through her hair, feels the murmur as it reverberates through her shoulder, "I told Mama no, Anna."

Anna squishes one of the remaining leaf fragments in her hands.

"I didn't want you to know because- because I was afraid."

"I would never be afraid of you!"

Elsa chuckles, "You've told me this many times now but it's not you I was most afraid of. It was me."

"You wouldn't hurt me."

"Anna," Elsa says gently, "surely you can't say that right now."

"I mean yes, I'm still mad at you for the ice boat, no fricking thanks, Elsa, but no, you wouldn't hurt me. I know you wouldn't and you won't."

Elsa sighs, "Well, I didn't know that when I was fourteen."

Anna bites back the "and the accident didn't happen for 5 years, most of which you were a toddler for and it was an accident and like almost entirely my fault, not yours" that threatens to erupt because she's already said that.

"That's because they never let you think of your magic as anything other than dangerous."

Elsa sighs, "I was dangerous. I almost burnt Papa once. He tried to hug me. I was happy."

"Burnt? Like the fire kind of opposite of your powers? Because I'm pretty sure that's not-" Anna knows she's grasping at straws and as much as she hates it, Elsa is right.

Elsa snorts, "Cold burns, dummy."

Anna sulks at that because she knew that and she knew that Elsa too had always thought she was dangerous and she wishes that she could change that but as much as she wants to, she cannot change the past. Elsa is right and it makes painful sense and she thought she'd finally found an outlet for the frustration of all those years but there isn't one.

She settles on a "Screw you too."

Elsa laughs lightly, "Anna, you know, I thank the heavens for every day that you light up my life."

"Well," Anna grumbles, "I'm still pissed at our stupid dad who couldn't look past his fear and didn't let me do that for 13 years."

"No, you still did," Elsa smiles, "you did, for a really long time."

Her look is almost wistful as she holds Anna closer, "I looked forward to your visits all the time. It stormed so hard that year you were sick on my birthday and I didn't get your Olaf card until after Yule."

Anna remembers that storm, feels her anger drain out of her like the melting of the last snow.

"And Papa loved me, Anna," Elsa whispers, "because he wanted me to live above all despite the unhappiness and I can't imagine what it must have been like for him to see me unhappy but he pushed through that and he did what he thought he had to do no matter how much it would hurt him."

"Live?"

"The myths are not kind to witches, dear sister. And the visions the trolls showed us were, shall we say, unkind."

"You're not a witch."

"We didn't know that then. Even Mama who knew about magic must not have known anything about my magic."

"They should have trusted us. They should have trusted you. Our parents are just dumb."

Elsa laughs, "No, little sunshine, they just loved us a lot. Too much, you could say. I didn't trust myself and my word was enough for them to not push it any further."

Anna still thinks that is dumb and that Papa was dumb and Mama only slightly less dumb but she supposes one can be dumb and still love their kids even if they do the same stupid things their kids do. Heck, she's dumb and she loves Elsa. And Elsa sure is dumb too because she pushed her away in that God-forsaken ice boat. Yeah she sees how this all makes annoying, painful sense.

She does still have Elsa.

Anna sighs, gives up. Their whole family is dumb. Besides, what she has to do is simply the next right thing, right? Not dwell on the last possibly wrong thing?

She lets it all go.

"Elsa, I'm trying to be mad at them so I'll forget that I'm supposed to be mad at you. You're not helping," she pouts.

Elsa chuckles then squeaks when Anna knocks her down onto the grass with a thump.

"Alright, this is for sending me away!"

Elsa pouts, a wounded but unrepentant look on her face. Hurting people you love to keep them alive sure runs in this damn family, Anna thinks.

Elsa tries to sit up but Anna then flattens her with a big warm, snuggly hug the way Papa used to hug her even when she was way too old to be almost swept off her feet.

The way Papa probably never hugged Elsa.

"And now what on Earth is this for, Anna?" Elsa manages as she catches her breath.

"You," Anna says, "this is for you."


End file.
